So we have to accept and understand that in the beginning, as we are sort of, you know, greasing our wheels and moving in the direction of good sex it, it might be a little bit awkward for the first 10, 15, 20 minutes. And that’s okay. As long as you have control of yourself in the situation that you at least feel, you have a voice that you can say, “Hey, I wanna change this,” or “can we do more of this, less of this, or I’d like to try this.”
Or, you know, again jackd or grindr, depending on the context of the relationship, if it’s somebody that you’re in a longer term relationship with, I encourage people to take turns and, and be able to have pleasure that is solely focused on one person at a time rather than going for this notion of mutual pleasure, because I also think mutual pleasure puts a lot of pressure on people. It is not necessarily something that’s accessible to all people at all times and turn taking can be a wonderful way to circumvent that.
August: As you were describing that I couldn’t help, but think of flashes from like TV shows and movies where pretty much every sex scene is mutual pleasure the whole time.
August: Start to finish. And you do write about and talk about in your book, sex myths and romance culture and how they impact people’s sex lives. Are there any examples of real life couples that you could share?
The sex will be effortless
Cyndi: Who are affected by romance culture. I mean, I think to a degree, a lot of the couples that I work with, probably all of them are affected by this.
And all of us are to a degree I am, and I’m sure you are, or perhaps have been. Because we’ve all grown up in this, this world where we have been told that you’ll find “the one,” and it will be amazing. And when you find the one, the relationship will be effortless.
You’ll just be in sync. And you might be at first, she said, but that often doesn’t last and then you’re left with the bare bones of the relationship and having to do work at the emotional level in terms of sex. That is something we learn from romance culture.
Cyndi: Romance culture affects all of us. It’s sort of like that story of, you know, asking the fish, what it’s like to live in the ocean? And the fish says, “What’s the ocean?” It’s just home.
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All of us are so immersed in romance culture, we don’t even know that we’re in it until we stop to look around us and notice how many, through Hollywood, through pop music, through fashion, through art, through so many parts of our lives have been influenced by looking for the one that we can’t help, but think it’s real until it doesn’t work out for us.
And then we internalize it and then we think it must be me. without even thinking for a second that maybe it’s the culture that’s wrong.
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